"The Pitfalls of Love Languages: Exploring Their Problematic Nature"

Whether looking for support during distress in your relationship or just wanting to nurture your connection with your partner, you've probably heard of "Love Languages." This concept, developed by Dr Gary Chapman, a Baptist Pastor, entails 5 ways partners give and receive love. They include:

• Words of affirmation: positive, encouraging messages.

• Quality time: intentionally doing something together.

• Gifts: tokens of affection of any size.

• Acts of service: assisting with tasks without necessarily being asked.

• Physical touch: anything from hand-holding to sexual pleasure.

Once you understand your and your partner's "language," you can attend to the corresponding task daily to "keep your love tank full." This idea seems like a cute way to understand your partner and leaves you with the impression that if you complete these tasks, your relationship will be sustained. However, this isn't the case for most couples navigating challenges.

First, I would be remiss if I told you to avoid Love Languages at all costs. This concept makes sense from a simplistic perspective as it helps couples understand that their partner has different needs. However, this is as far as it goes.

There are several problematic factors within love languages, with the first being:

1. Dr. Gary Chapman is not a licensed counselor, therapist, psychologist, or social worker. That said, individuals without these credentials can undoubtedly develop great ideas. The problem is with the presentation. Although he has a master's in anthropology and a Ph.D in adult education, this does not ethically or legally grant him rights as the marriage and family therapist he presents.

2. Love Languages are not evidence-based and have not been scientifically proven.Something doesn't have to be scientifically proven to work for your relationship, but when something is touted as so, it can cause harm when it doesn't work for you. Love languages are based on anecdotal evidence gathered by Chapman himself. They are not clinically research and have not been replicated to prove anything. They are not even discussed or taught to students studying to become marriage and family therapists. Too often, I see this occur when something is "guaranteed to work," and when it doesn't, the response is, "Well, you didn't try hard enough." These concepts then become weaponized and used to accuse partners that this is one more thing wrong with them.

3. Nurturing love is more than checking boxes.Love languages are too simplistic. The idea that "I did the laundry today shows I love you" is nonsense. If I didn't have time to pick up a coffee during your lunch break, does that mean I don't love you? This idea that certain behaviors must be completed daily leads to monotony and insecurity when it doesn't happen. When couples are facing more complicated issues, a simplistic bandaid is superficial.

4. Love Languages are Gendered & Promotes Unfair Division of LaborLove Languages completely disregard relationships that are not heteronormative. When working with heteronormative couples, 99% of the time, the man's love language is physical touch. Here's the thing: this is fine if this is what works for you; often, however, when couples seek support, things are not working. This is another way love languages can be weaponized in relationships and can support unequal efforts toward the relationship. -“My love language is sex. So that means you don't love me if you don't have sex with me."-"Your love language is acts of service, and that’s why I let you do all the cleaning, the kids, groceries, and bills."This leads to resentment, and couples fail to "show up" and connect fully with one another.

5. Love languages are Stagnant.

It would seem that once you discover your love language and your partner's, it never changes. This is a complete contradiction to how healthy relationships develop. As we all are not the same person we were a year ago, neither are our relationships. It is normal and natural for the needs in your maturing relationship to change, and love languages insinuate that if it does, something is wrong or you are not showing up how you should be.

So, what can you do to support and nurture your relationship?

The trending theme in my articles is always to do your research and consider the source of information. Every relationship is different and requires varying needs and will need to adapt. True evidenced-based strategies understand and account for this. Working with a licensed therapist can help you to develop these skills and strategies. The Gottman Institute is also an excellent resource that provides clinically researched approaches with practical skills. Many therapists are certified and trained in these theories as well. However, you may need something more along the lines of Emotionally Focused Therapy that trained professionals can provide.

The bottom line is there are many resources that are not trendy but effective and are available with some research. There are no "quick fixes" when it comes to relationships, and honestly, your relationship deserves more time, effort, and care than that.

Until next time! Wishing you happiness and health!

Courtney Gossel, MA, MFT, LCDCIII