What is an Attachment Style?

Your guide to the Secure, Anxious, Avoidant, & Disorganized Attachment styles we experience with our partners.

Attachment styles are something we develop in childhood. The study of attachment was founded by John Bowlby and Mary Ainsworth, who were interested in early life experiences with our mothers or primary caregivers. This experience, in turn, impacts how we relate or attach to someone. However, not everything has to do with our mothers. Sorry Freud! Our attachment styles can change if we experience a major life event, relationship, or age. As we grow into adolescence and young adulthood, our parents stop being the most important attachment figure, and our intimate relationships impact us most.

Attachment styles are essential to understand because they can give us insight about ourselves and our partners within the relationship. If you are experiencing issues or concerns in your relationship, more than likely, you can gain some clarity through understanding attachment and how it influences you and your partner.

Secure Attachment

A secure attachment style includes balance, trust, and a positive perspective of themselves and others. Individuals with a secure attachment most likely had attentive caregivers who allowed them to develop a healthy sense of autonomy. This attachment feels comfortable with intimacy and anticipates their needs being met even if they are not being met right at that moment.

Secure attachment is about trust and seeing their partner as an equal. They feel connected when apart from their partner and can manage distress within themselves and with others. Secure Attachment establishes and respects the boundaries of others and themselves. They have a stable sense of self and others and can forgive and manage emotions independently and with others.

Securely attached individuals view love as enduring.

• Stable sense of self and others

• Can manage emotions independently and with others

• Trust and forgives

• Anticipates needs will be met

• Feels connected when apart

• Comfortable with intimacy

• Establishes and respects boundaries

Anxious Attachment

An anxious attachment is characterized by the need for reassurance. Anxious attachments often have a negative view of themselves but a positive view of others. This can result in the anxiously attached individual putting their partner above themselves and seeking connection and validation often. Individuals with anxious attachments feel distressed and disconnected from their partners when apart and pursue intimacy and closeness frequently. This is often connected to overly attentive or inconsistent attentive parents.

Anxious attachment anticipates that their needs will not be met. These individuals fear their partner will leave them; they lean towards being more dependent on their partner. If distressed, anxious attachments often depend on their partner to regulate their emotions. However, the thought that their love will not be reciprocated drives anxious attachments to "cling" even when connected.

Anxious attachments tend to fall in love faster and more often.

• Negative view of self

• Positive view of others

• Dependent on partner regulate their emotions

• Fears they will be abandoned

• Enmeshed boundaries

• Seeks reassurance often

• Anticipates needs won't be met

• Emotional Ups & Downs

Avoidant Attachment

Avoidant attached individuals are characterized by distance. They have an unstable sense of self and a negative view of others. Avoidantly attached children often show no preference between parents or strangers and can result from an inattentive parenting style that leads the child to seek out and meet their own needs. They are self-reliant and independent and often put up walls to hinder connection and maintain rigid boundaries.

Avoidant attachment views dependence as a weakness and have learned along the way that they are the only ones who can meet their needs but subconsciously doubt their ability to do so. They may avoid frequent intimacy and are reluctant to rely on others. They may struggle to express and share their thoughts and emotions and seek to distance themselves from their relationships to avoid conflict.

Avoidant Attachment tends to view love as rare and/or temporary.

• Unstable sense of self

• Negative view of others

• Rigid boundaries

• Seeks distance in relationships

• Self-Reliant

• Depends on themselves to meet their needs

• Avoids conflict

• Avoids intimacy

• Struggles with sharing thoughts and emotions

Disorganized Attachment

Individuals with disorganized attachment waver between avoidant attachment and anxious attachment. This is often the result of parents with mixed messages of fear and comfort. Adults have a strong need for attachment but struggle to attach. They often have a negative and insecure sense of self and view of others.

Disorganized attachments may engage in "scorekeeping" to help them navigate relationships and better understand how they should react. These individuals may pursue closeness and then withdraw at the last minute. They have difficulty maintaining boundaries and often sabotage relationships due to a lack of trust. They usually send mixed messages of intimacy and disconnection.

Disorganized attachment longs for love but rejects intimacy.

• Unstable and negative sense of self and others

• Volleys between anxious and avoidant attachment styles

• Wants to trust but fears rejection/betrayal

• Poor boundaries

• Sends and receives mixed messaging

Takeaways

Our attachment styles do not stay stagnant and change according to our experiences. Every relationship will not consist of secure attachments; however, the more you understand your experiences, the better off you are to make changes you see fit for yourself.

Wishing you happiness and health!

Courtney Gossel, MA, MFT, LCDCIII